EI: Embodying Emotional Intelligence (Journal)

In this free blog post, I share selections taken from my journaling, as I venture into the Beyond Emotional Intelligence Coaching Certification Course. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I have allowed these thoughts to surface in written form.
~ Clinton

Monday, June 09:

Today I was asked by a close friend to do them a favour. I made it clear that while I didn’t want to do it, I vocalised all the ways that I could do it, and finally answered, ‘Yes,’ I could help them. In the past I would say ‘Yes’ to any and everyone and ignore my inner voice. This was a new, healthier approach for me.

I noticed these characteristics of my Awareness:

• Adaptive Awareness: Rather than taking a general view of ‘I help everyone – even at the expense of my needs,’ I focused on how and why I can help my friend. Primarily asking, ‘Is it possible for me to help them right now?’ I spoke through a few of these 'hows' and 'whys' with them.
• Cognizant Awareness: I didn’t try to explore if my reaction was valid or if I was ‘doing it wrong.’ I trusted that there was a natural intelligence that was guiding my response to my friend.

Later, I had feelings of guilt for first saying I didn’t want to help my friend, and created a perception I was ‘arrogant’ in what I had said to them. Here, I used these characteristics of Awareness:

• Conscious Awareness: I paid attention to the body, the tightness in the chest, the flushed feeling in my cheeks. I noticed how the mental chatter was triggered by my bodily sensations.
• Spacious Awareness: I relaxed into the ‘safety’ of spaciousness. My perception of the experience was just one story. Also, the story I assumed my friend was experiencing as a reaction to me was not accurate. In spaciousness, any story can arise and dissolve. I can allow myself to just be. Not trying to judge or fix anything.

I was able to settle down, find peace and comfort, and also celebrate for trying a new approach in considering myself and others. I also realised my friend was appreciative of me saying ‘Yes,’ especially since I gave them some understanding as to why I arrived at saying ‘Yes.’

Tuesday, May 27:

I noticed that allowing spaciousness around physical or emotional discomfort creates a larger surface area for the discomfort to abide in. With this increased ratio of space to discomfort, it has less impact. I also noticed a few other things about the discomfort:

1. It feels safer; it is held in a large and secure loving embrace of space.
2. It feels more confident in this expanded space, full of ‘life.’ A freedom to move, change, and dissipate in its own time, in its own way.
3. It feels less pressure to be the ‘headline’ of the story. An unhealthy process I often go through is to focus on one storyline, and continue to unintentionally (and intentionally) reinforce that storyline, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I heap so much additional pressure on the discomfort, as I urge it on to be the reason for my failings and misfortunes. There’s a strange comfortable feeling in holding negative internal patterns as my enemy, so I can blame them and continue to depend on them; so my storyline is proven correct. This has everything to do with ‘fear of failure.’ I’d prefer to ‘not fail’ at a negative outcome than fail at aiming for a positive outcome.
4. With the emphasis shifting away from the discomfort, awareness has room to breathe, look around, and explore. I suddenly have so many options in the somatic realm. I can relax around the discomfort. I can tune into pleasurable sensations, or neutral ones. The body returns to its ‘naturalness.’ There are tears of release and flourishes of bliss.

Thursday, May 15:

Today I reflect on a simple model that has been coming together for me (a work in progress). It is based in awareness. Yes, I am able to listen and give others my full attention. And I can make comments, gestures, or share my stories to improve the ‘quantity’ of the interaction. But, I want the ‘quality’ to improve. And this is where I think a few ‘nuances’ can be used. I have landed on three for now: Challenging (creating excitement), Playful (creating safety), and Reflective (creating space).

I had three long conversations today. With my parents, a dear friend, and a stranger at a bar. Varying uses of these three nuances improved the quality of each interaction. Awareness was key – to catch when my mind was not staying present. And not judging myself for it. There are infinite reasons why, and there’s no real point in getting into why. The other person in front of me is most important. My mind can stay engaged. I can adopt a nuanced way of listening and responding. Suddenly I feel alive in the conversation. Will I be challenging, playful, or reflective?

The content of my response is always valuable, to allow the other person to feel seen and heard. And to also ‘give them a stage.’ But how will I ‘dress up the characters on the stage?’ How will we connect more, and explore ‘the story’ of what we are talking about more? This takes it beyond ‘going through the motions,’ to something that truly makes conversation an adventurous, creative act.

Header Image: Kelly Ishmael. Visit their profile on Negative Space 👉 click here