EI: Listening, Conflict, Dialogue (Journal #2)

It’s time again for my free blog post, sharing selections taken from my journaling, as I continue with the Beyond Emotional Intelligence Coaching Certification Course. Maybe there’s something here that you connect with, or an insight that is new and inspiring for you. Much gratitude. ~ Clinton

Tuesday, June 17:

I have always noticed that my listening behaviours change according to different situations and different people in my life, e.g. family members, best friends, neutral friends, strangers. With family, it can be so easy to fall into listening behaviours like being distracted or apathetic. With other people, there can be listening behaviours of expectation or ‘poking holes.’ And with more intimate friends, the listening behaviour of processing.

As I had discovered chatting with some family members yesterday, drawing out the inner child, the inner world of where the other person gets to meander innocently, is really enjoyable and valuable. All of us really want to live a pleasant experience in the mind, it has a lot of points of arousal, excitement, wonder. There’s also the unknown and forgotten pieces. There is a puzzle to be solved. This has a very powerful direct connection with emotion.

Listening behaviours I want to improve:

• Distracted: Reminding myself of presence and focus.
• Apathetic: Sparking the child in me to listen, and the child in them to share.
• Expectation: Surrendering self-interests for a greater purpose through intention.

The thread that runs through it all is intention. The greater energy of me being in service. And how that affects me, sustains and energises me. Being in service reinforces a value in me that I am a person who is a Coach. I am a person first. I cannot be a Coach if I cannot be a person. The intention nurtures the humanness in me, which enriches my connection with others.

Tuesday, July 1:

When do I need to bring a conflict out into the open?

• When others won’t help me. When they won’t contribute fairly to what is needed. Either as a family unit at home, other staff not doing their share of work, or someone who won’t help a conversation along, by ignoring, or resorting to unengaged, ‘default’ answers and comments. I take it personally as being unacknowledged.
• Upon investigation, my conflict is from my fear of being enough, and a negative bias based story of being seen negatively; and from their side is a broken bond or loss in them.

Am I able to focus on common ground for a positive outcome?

• I am able to be more light-hearted, either boosting my own energy (not overtly toward the other person), or making a light form of humour toward the situation.
• Trying to meet others' energy ‘where they are at’ first, before moving to any attempt at conflict resolution.
• Knowing at the end of the day to have no regrets, so to not speak out of terms or in an emotionally fragile state, saying or doing something I’ll regret.
• To possibly present to the other person a half worked-on solution, a seed of an idea, or even an attempt at something that releases the tension valve. Something that we can both take away and process and come back to tomorrow.
• Common ground comes from clear communication with patience, bravery, subtle leading, and willingness to offer myself some self-care later to re-establish internal balance.
• The underlying common ground is developed from compassion. Acknowledging that all of us want to avoid suffering, and immerse in joy.

Thursday, July 24:

Effective dialogue versus blocking dialogue:

• I tend to engage in dialogue patterns of ‘Redefining’ or ‘Over-detailing.’
• In reflection, I used to do a lot of ‘Discounting.’ That was predominant in most of my conversations. Especially to myself. Deliberate denial and withholding. This behaviour has greatly been reduced, even reversed to where I am tending to my needs and ideas in a very nurturing and motivating way. It fuels me through feeling protected, engendering comfort, and cultivating energy.
• I noticed effective dialogue can work from common goals, but also common threads. Imagination is also very important. But also provoking the imagination of the other. There is a sense of child-like wonder, amusement, and creativity. Suddenly the conversation has life and is a type of ‘making something’ together. Inventiveness. Fun.
• I found that while Over-detailing is a blocking behaviour, slightly detailing offers enhancement to dialogue. To paint a flourish of lively and lovely detail around a topic or idea. For example, in giving a compliment to someone, describing a slightly humorous and obviously far-fetched idea that relates to their idea. One person says ‘I don’t like my hat,’ and I say ‘I like it, it reminds me of a seventies tough guy running along the beach and saving people.’
• Given this point above, going forward, I would like for my types of ‘blocking dialogue’ to be reinvisioned, transforming them into ‘effective dialogue.’ Turning a weakness into a strength. Harnessing the powerful energy of something that is detrimental, to something beneficial. Examples might be: 
  • Passivity becomes Curiosity.
  • Discounting becomes Crediting.
  • Redefining becomes Refining.
  • Over-detailing becomes Slightly-detailing.

Secure Bases:

• My secure bases are many and varied. Like a concoction of medicines, with each serving to inspire, reframe and energise me. They also all work together to provide the core of my well-being. In some ways, I think I am always adding a ‘secure base ingredient’ to anything I am doing.
• These secure bases are: My family, my close friends, a small group of spiritual teachers and mentors, healthy eating, hot tea, music, reading, dancing, swimming and yoga. Lastly, I receive great security from observing and being in Nature.
• My greatest secure base of late is in writing a book. Everything that is observed I weave through the book as it continues to be written, a little each day, sometimes a lot. Sometimes subconsciously processing large passages that have been written, and reintegrating it into my worldview.
  

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