EI: Listening With Love
Let Them Be Great
What does it mean to ‘be great?’ Answers to this vary from person to person. However, we all might be able to agree – that ‘being great’ feels inspiring. What if whatever in front of you was great? What if, simply by being present with someone, you, also, were a measure of greatness? The way you are. By bringing out ‘who they are.’ Listening. Asking questions. Showing interest. Suddenly, quite miraculously, you feel inspired. By them. And by yourself.
Why are we making it so hard for ourselves to ‘be great?’ It is the unconscious building of beliefs about others, and about ourselves. We are constantly surveying other people, situations, our own identities; taking one aspect, magnifying it, and using it to prove a story. A story that supports our illusory idea, that something or someone is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for us. So, alongside listening to others, or our stories about ourselves, we need to also listen to our internal experience. We can ask ourselves questions about this internal experience, or even sense into them while we are present with others. For example:
- How am I shaping the stories about what I am currently experiencing?
- Do I want this story to play on and on?
- What might be a different story, one I can really connect with and embrace?
These are powerful prompts to unravel our ‘confirmation bias.’ It is a discipline that initially feels awkward, but quickly gains strength. If we are willing to discover how to truly feel good about who we are, we take the first brave actions to challenge ourselves. Funnily enough, these stories are actually not who we are – not ‘ourselves’ – anyway. So, with respect, gentleness, and assertive disruption, we break the cycle. Rather than suffocating others and ourselves in uninspiring, soul-sucking stories, we can consciously instead choose to let others, ourselves, and life itself, ‘be great.’
Curating the Evidence
This week in the Beyond Emotional Intelligence Coaching Course we learned about key aspects in actualising the potential of our experiences. Riding on the idea of the ‘Pygmalion effect,’ and BEI’s specific approaches to framing one’s interactions, I formulated two points capturing the essence of ‘heart-based’ communication: 1) Listening is an act of love, and 2) Love is in the details.
The ‘Pygmalion effect’ is a psychological phenomenon, where, when we view others with ‘great expectations,’ their potential for greatness naturally is boosted. They are more likely to succeed. And we will afford them appreciation and celebration for who they are, and how they express themselves. Is it that we are changing how we see others, or are they actually changing? And the same for ourselves? This is how we ‘let ourselves and others be great.’ We anticipate greatness, without being attached to it. We create and choose an entirely different emotional landscape. This invigorates our language, body language and presence. It is no surprise then, that subtle sensations – which we do not consciously create – are perceived by others; and they respond in encouraging ways, also not consciously. Emotions are contagious, so if our stories about ourselves and others serve to positively support us emotionally, we have a healthier grounding to choose how we engage in skillful communication. And, at some level, others will do the same. This is beneficial for interactions based in harmony or conflict.
When we listen to others, we are gifted with details. Likewise, within our own reactions are details. All, valuable data. Where is the love that is in the details? It is in how we arrange our own details, becoming more familiar with what does and does not make us feel better about ourselves. It is also in appreciating all the details of other people. And in being curious about a few details, inviting them to share more about these. They are seeds for the blossoming of their expression. It offers us a deeper, richer connection with others. Creating a deeper, richer connection within oneself. This is where the ‘love’ is in the details. It can become a very easeful and enjoyable activity. Other times, it can require us to be vigilant. To spot more quickly the harmful stories we may be creating, rather than letting them spiral us into suffering, running on and on over hours, days, months, even years.
Finally, making sense of, or applying meaning to, our experiences and our relationships, is essential. To shift how our mind and heart holds these. When there is a clear understanding, or a powerful meaning invested in our experience, we set up everything in life for greatness. And, even better, is that we can choose this sense-making and meaning. For many reasons, we have been conditioned to accept that one story means one belief. The liberating truth is: one story doesn’t have to mean, or be the only fixed meaning to, any particular belief. Once we know this, our quantity and quality of choice is unlimited. We are our own curators of evidence. Our own exhibitors. Of a collection of masterful art. The art of how we think and feel. The way we want. The way we chose to be.
Positive Reinforcement
An important ability that continually comes up in the BEI Course is ‘interoception’ – an internal awareness around our physical sensations and emotional states. Hunger, thirst, and pain are primary examples of what interoception detects. Interoception also means how we interpret these signals, and develop patterns. A common example of this is anxiety. This links specifically with identity, telling us if we are aligning with our beliefs. If there is a misalignment, interoception becomes invaluable for us to take actions, to make changes. We are not fixed identities. Or fixed beliefs. Possibly even our core beliefs need reevaluation. So we can live authentically. Or at least, move in this direction.
Exercising our interoception, and strengthening our process of ‘interrupting’ habits and behaviours, is the beginning of mastery of the Self. Not that the Self is ever mastered, but we can now positively reinforce a self that looks and feels great. Until then, we automatically default to ‘micro behaviours’ and habits that reinforce anxiety and misaligned identity. Especially when we spend time alone. We are supercharging the details of our identity in an almost undetectable way. It can be very harmful. But, equally, it can be extremely helpful. When the light of optimism is switched on. And, a ‘New You’ is born.
Reshaping or refining our identity starts with one’s own micro behaviours. It can begin with a simple question, every time we do, think or feel in a certain way: Do I really want this [insert behaviour] to be how I am when around others? Or even, around myself? Which I am doing twenty-four hours a day. And so, this plain fact goes from being daunting to empowering: The subtle ways we express our identities around ourselves, are largely exacerbated around others. And even more so in our intimate relationships. So, in a way, we can be like a visionary, and manifest a vision. Of ourselves. What living, breathing representation of our own truth, do we want to inhabit? Increasingly illuminating from within? Affirming a powerful sense of self. This is the incredible strength of interoception. Of ‘letting ourselves be great.’
Listening is, indeed, an act of love. The greatest love, the ‘one Love’ – is ever present and always listening. When we listen, in that instant, we are an instrument of that ‘Love.’ And we are enacting, embodying, and making, love. All we have to do is listen to ourselves. And to others. Seeing someone as if for the first time. What a magnificent blessing this is. To notice someone. To be open. This is the part of us that is Divine. Of course, we are also human. We have limited energy and patience. We make mistakes. We can also be loving toward this. Through solitude, rest, recovery, playfulness, or even having mindful moments to be ‘no one’ and be ‘nowhere.’ Cultivating ‘self-love.’ Ultimately, we need to love ourselves if we are to maintain loving collaboration with others. In this, there is the Divine in the human, and the human in the Divine.
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